This post is brought to you by sleep deprivation!

Banana hanger.

What the fuck is the point of this shit? Are there actually people this goddamn anal about bananas, to the point that they demand that their yellow impotent tree penises must be magically elevated three goddamn inches in the air?

Seriously. I want to know. The only reasoning for this madness is not wanting to get dirty counter residue on your delicious fruit. But who the hell eats banana skins? NOBODY, that's who. They throw that shit away. So why the fuck does it need to be clean? And you'd think that the people that would have dirty counters to begin with aren't the types to spend extra money on something that a thumbtack can do just as well. And if your banana is dirty with counter-crust to the point of being inedible, maybe you have bigger concerns than a pedestal to place your golden deity-fruit on.

Is it to look fancy and sophisticated? Listen up Higgins von Amplebottom, bananas are not classy. They're fucking bananas. Monkeys eat them with the hands that just finished throwing banana-based shit at some other monkey that is currently eating a banana, and will CONTINUE to eat that same banana-shitty banana. It's impossible to eat them without looking like a 50's porn star getting ready to order a two-sided pizza with extra sausage. They're the only fruit to be directly associated with slapstick comedy, the bane of all mannerly highbrows.

Look. Bananas are genetically altered to be seedless and more flavorful. Genetical witchcraft brought that delicious baseball glove to your home. Just stop being a pretentious ass, grow some balls, and graft some fucking wings onto those bitches. It's sure as hell more awesome than some bullshit that Martha Stewart sold you along with 3 differently sized melon ballers.