Video Game Deconstruction: TECMO SECRET OF THE STARS

Look, they can't all be winners. There are quite a lot of games out there that are utter garbage. This is actually a good thing, as it makes the good ones stand out that much more. Now a lot of the terrible games floating around out there are just awful, but there are some bad ones that actually seem like they tried. And damnit, I enjoy digging through the virtual bargain bin and finding a bad game with a big ol' "Best Effort" sticker on it. And this is where TECMO SECRET OF THE STARS comes in.

But first, a little history. Now, what's the first thing you think of when you hear "Tecmo?" Most likely, it's that one football game on the NES. (Which was a port of an arcade game, actually.) And what's the first thing you think of when you think of football games? Why, fantasy RPGs of course! At least Tecmo does, and that's why we have TECMO SECRET OF THE STARS. Now, back in my day, every weekend my dad would take me to the nearby Blockbuster and let me rent one game for the weekend. On one of these trips, I found this little gem. So I decided to give it a try. And what I found was a terrible game that, for some reason, I couldn't put down. There was just something beneath the horrible text, bland battle system, and terrible graphics. There was something new, something that drew me in and made me keep playing. As the years passed, and I was exposed to the wonderful world of emulation, one of the first SNES ROMs I grabbed was TECMO SECRET OF THE STARS. And I began to realize that there are actually some damn cool game mechanics in here! So follow me as I simply walk into Mordor on a treasure hunt for gold and laser guns. (Yes, the game has laser guns in it. Fuck yeah.)



First lets start with the bad. You're probably wondering why I keep typing the title of the game in capslock. Well its because that's how the title is written. The entire game is all in caps. ALL OF IT. Basically, this world is filled with people that are endlessly screaming at everyone. Oh, these people also have a terrible grasp of the English language. It's almost like someone found an old music magazine from the '70s and used that as a translation tool. As an example, one of the early towns is named BEEGEES. The RINGO BROS. live not too far outside the town. And the town is under attack by an evil little man named BADBAD. Who lives inside BADBAD-HOUSE. Oh, and BADBAD turned the entire village into dogs when he "SCATT THE DOGPILL." On top of this riveting plot are graphics that make Final Fantasy IV look like Chrono Trigger, music that sounds like default music from RPG Maker, and a battle system just barely more advanced than the original Dragon Warrior/Quest. But I still enjoy this game, if mostly because its so hilariously bad. But there are some damn cool mechanics in here. Allow me to list them at you with furious speed.

Something cool
Your main party (called the "Aqutallion") is not alone on their adventure. They can find and recruit eleven "Kustera" warriors who form their own unique party. You can switch between them at any time, and they each move independently of eachother, have their own inventory, and even have their own battle and overworld music. Most of the dungeons in the game have colored gates that only the Aqutallion or Kustera can pass through, leaving multiple passages to go through with your two parties. Of course, only the Aqutallion gates end up at the next plot point, but the Kustera can find some powerful treasures. There are even some dungeons that only the Kustera can enter that are mandatory to finish the game, ensuring that you get to play with your very cool, customizable party. There are also some quests that you can do with either party, leading to fun decisions to make such as "Well, this boss is so much easier with the Kustera, but my Aqutallion really need the reward money. Who should I send?" This openness is really cool, and its fun to play with two very different parties, not to mention all the variety it adds to the gameplay.

Where it went wrong
Those Kustera only dungeons I mentioned? There's only four of them. And they're all squished into the first half of the game. On top of that, once you pas that halfway point, they even stop giving you Kustera-only paths in main dungeons to go through. There's also only a couple quests open to both parties, and, you guess it, they're all in the first half of the game. This means that for a huge chunk of the game, there's literally nothing for your Kustera to do. All dungeons are immediately roped off by Aqutallion gates, or involve using items that only the Aqutallion have access to. To add insult to injury, you still continue finding more Kustera in the later half of the game, who all just sit there and laugh at you as they drink all the booze in your home village. (More on that later.) But the worst part about this? The final dungeon in the game requires the Kustera. The final dungeon is made up of various locked doors and switches that you need both parties to use. But at this point, all your Kustera have been sitting on their asses for about 40% of the game. They are going to be horribly underleveled, which means that you either need to grind like crazy or just run from everything and pray that you don't all die.

How it could have been fixed
Just add in more Kustera content! A couple extra dungeons for them, or hell, just more Kustera paths in the main dungeons would have fixed this problem 100%. The Kustera system works, it just needed more showtime.

Something cool
As your Aqutallion complete their Sidequests of Powerful Power, they gain the ability to combine their magic together in battle. This lets you do awesome things like combine Ray's fire magic (which normally can only target one enemy) with Cody's wind magic to give you a spell that hits everything with fire. There are even some weapons that can be imbued with magic for devastating effects. This, in theory, adds TONS of depth to the battle system.

Where it went wrong
In practice, the system is horribly restrictive. All but one of the combo effects involve two people. In theory, this means that your five-man team can use two combo spells in the same round. But no, you're only allowed one combo effect per turn. Dan, your "Wiseman," never gains the ability to combine magic with the rest of his team. And of the effects that are there to begin with, they're all kinda lame. For the most part, combining two attack spells will give you the same exact end result of just using the two spells separately. The only notable exceptions are the fire storm spell listed above, and the big attack spell that combines all four kids. Even the weapon imbuing is restricted, as there are only three weapons in the entire game that can combine with magic. They're all swords, and they can all be easily missed. (However, there is a whole series of canes with names like "CURE CANE" or "BOLT CANE" that lead me to believe that they were originally supposed to combine with magic, but never did.)


How it could have been fixed
More combo magic. More unique effects. Some attack power boosts for combining attack spells. More weapons that combine with magic, hopefully with effects other than just a powerful single attack. Let Dan in on the action. Really, a lot could have been done to make this not almost useless.

Something cool
As you play through the plot, you recruit people to build and live in your very own town that actually grants benefits to you. When you rescue Baz the farmer, be begins growing PLUM-PLUM, this game's staple food. Recruiting Dynamite, the scientist, grants you access to even better PLUM-PLUM that heals your entire team. Recruiting Jill, the nurse, grants you access to the best healing items in the game. You even get a warehouse to store things in, allowing you to trade items between your Aqutallion and Kustera. And if you find the very hidden blacksmith, at the end of the game he will sell you the most powerful armor in the game. You even get to name the town yourself! Oh, and there's silly stuff here that appears nowhere else in the game, like the dance hall, which really just serves to make your town that much more unique and cool.      

Where it went wrong
Well... it didn't, actually. This is probably the one cool thing in the game that actually stays cool for the entirety of it. It's strangely nice to see your own unique town being built. You actually end up caring for this town, and get pissed off whenever something bad happens to it. (At least I did when I was a kid.) Hell, it even has plot importance near the end of the game, and is the stage for pretty much the entirety of the end sequence.

It seems like I've done almost nothing but bitch about how terrible this game is, and on paper, yeah, it is pretty bad. But when you're actually playing it, it has this strange quaint charm to it that makes it very enjoyable. You'll laugh at how painfully obvious it is that all the bars were turned into "cafes," you'll laugh at the terrible dialog, and you'll laugh at how some of your Kustera share the same exact battle sprites. (Even the ones that are of opposite genders.) But it almost feels as if you're laughing WITH the game at how silly it all is. It is by no means a good game, but its at least worth a look. Maybe you'll find it as strangely enjoyable as I do!