Video Game Deconstruction: Kirby

We all know Kirby! He's that adorable little pink puff of cuteness and sunshine and happy rainbows, and he often invites us along on fantastical journeys of delight as he traipses through meadows and forests where everything is just so goddamn happy it was quite normal for psychiatrists to prescribe his games for patients with heavy depression. [citation needed] 

Seriously. Look at these games. They're some of those games where everything has a happy face on it. Even the very first boss in every game is a tree that merely shakes apples at you and gets sad when you throw them back at him. Powerups are candy, fresh veggies, and silly hats. Plots behind these games involve such things as "King Dedede has stolen all the food!" and "The Dream Rod has been stolen! Now we can't have nice dreams!" This is possibly the friendliest, happiest, least threatening game series in the history of anything.

So why does it terrify me? Let's find out!

For the most part, the games really are that tame. You spend most of your time finding treasures in a cave or chasing after mice that have stolen your cake. But there's one character in these games that is just so disturbingly different than the rest of the games that he's in that he pretty much just shocks you into fear. Let me show this point with Kirby's Dreamland 3.

This is a typical KDL3 level. You can't see it very well here, but the entire game is drawn in crayon and all wiggly, making it look like an animated storybook. You can also see a happy kitty rolling Kirby around like a ball. The game's primary objective is to collect "Heartstars" to combat an evil force taking over Dreamland. You get these Heartstars by making people happy, which is done by doing such things as growing flowers to reuniting a mother with her child. (Or freezing Metroids for Samus. No, really.) Yes, this game is just as happy and bubbly as the rest of them.

Until you get to the final boss.

Meet Dark Matter, a being of pure darkness. He's essentially a cloud of pain and misery who has spread himself over all of Dreamland. He's creepy, but it's not too bad. Ok, so you pummel him for a while like any old boss. After a while you dispel all his darkness with the power of your Heartstars, leaving him as just a giant white blob thing. This white blob thing actually CUTS ITSELF OPEN AND BLEEDS ON KIRBY AS AN ATTACK. And that's not even the worst part. THIS is...

After Kirby inflicts so much damage on its body that it can't possibly stay alive anymore, instead of just crumpling away, he RIPS HIS EYE OUT AND USES THAT AS A LAST DITCH TO KILL KIRBY. Kirby must then do battle with Dark Matter's SEVERED EYE as it bleeds everywhere. Remember that an hour earlier, Kirby was using an owl as a feather duster to clean dirt off of flowers to make them happy after riding a hamster through an island resort with little meatball guys floating around on parasols.

What. The. Fuck.

This horror isn't restricted to this game, either. Dark Matter was in Kirby's Dreamland 2 too. And he possessed King Dedede. And as he fought Kirby, he ripped open Dedede's stomach and turned it into a gapig maw of gnashing teeth.

Bafflingly, I could not find a single picture of this terrifying event anywhere. Wtf, internet. So use your imagination. (Hint, it was a lot like this.)

This horrifying contrast is actually why I love the Kirby series. See, in practice, Dark Matter isn't really that bad. But when compared to the rest of the games he's in, he's fucking terrifying. Especially when you think about how these games really are aimed at kids. Remember the terror you felt when your parents brought you to see Jurassic Park because it had "cool dinosaurs" in it, and suddenly there are fucking Velociraptors flying at your face? Yeah, its kinda like that. It's a really interesting way to contrast themes to give the player more fear than they really should have. And the best part is that this, by definition, has to be unique to Kirby. No other game can pull this off without it being an obvious ripoff of this idea.

And there's my justification for playing a game series designed for 10 year olds. (Oh that and Kirby Superstar is retarded-awesome.)