A touchy subject these days. What was once a terrifying scourge of the night has become the terrifying scourge of the mall food court and that one spot under the gym bleachers. What went wrong? I know I'm not the only one that thought that vampires were hot shit as a strapping young lad. But at some point, they stopped being something feared and started being something that young girls wet their pants over. And I am not pleased.
If I have not yet offended you and your socially acceptable necrophilic urges, come with me on a journey. A journey of KNOWLEDGE.
(Fun fact: Firefox spellchecker wanted to turn "necrophilic" into "necromantic." I find this hilarious.)
The concept of vampires has existed for aaaaages. Demons that feasted on the living and drank their blood were believed to exist even in ancient Mesopotamia, even though they were not officially "vampires" as we know them. That incarnation of vampire, like most all things awesome, originated in medieval Europe. At this time, depending on the region you hear from, vampires were the result of such silly things as an animal jumping over a corpse, to the badass beliefs that vampires were the result of evil spirits possessing the recently deceased. But the end result was always mostly the same; a virtually unkillable creature that wants your delicious bloodliquids. Fear of vampires was so widespread that what was pretty much the precursor to the Salem Witch Trials took place, where people suspected of being vampires were executed. This was done to help stop the mass hysteria that happened. Grave diggings also happened, with the goal of making sure that the dead stayed dead. As you can see, people didn't like vampires much.
Like all good things, vampires were updated throughout the years to make sure they continued to be scary. Vampires turned from bloodthirsty creatures to suave, calculated villains, capable of outsmarting you instead of just rushing at you like a beast. If you will allow me to go off on a small tangent...
The most important part of horror and scary things is to make sure that they stay scary. Things need to be updated as modern views change. Without this process, we'd still, to this day, be mildly bemused as an angsty poet tried to scare us with an empty hallway and a stubborn bird. Sure, it was eerie back then, but now its silly enough to have a 20 year old cartoon show parody it for hilarious results. For the most part, this has worked. Werewolves turned from unlucky kids into angry serial killers.
(Please excuse the cheesy Teen Wolf pic. It was honestly the only general werewolf pic I could find without getting pages and pages of furry art.)
Zombies got this treatment too. They turned from slow, easily killable and outmaneuverable creatures to super pissed off things that run as fast as you do and don't get tired.
But vampires, on the other hand...
Something is not right here.
Now, to get back on topic...
It's fine for a work of fiction to borrow various scary creatures for their own purposes. As long as this form of creature is restricted to the work in question. The film Young Frankenstein used Frankenstain's Monster for comedic effect, but afterwards, the monster was not permanently branded as a tap-dancing goofball. The general view of him was still "scary fuckin' monster with a heart of gold." Teen Wolf was a charming '80s teen movie romp, but did little to dilute the terror of losing control of yourself and becoming a beast that can easily kill all of your loved ones. The recent movie Zombieland used zombies in hilarious manners, but zombies are not the nation's new clowns, running around in circus acts after elephants and slipping on big ol' poo piles. But one book series, being rapidly adapted into film, has single-handedly ruined vampires for everyone. This one work of fiction has successfully turned vampires into what they are today: sparkly emo kids that just want to hug you and glare disdainfully at the popular kids. And that is what I have a problem with.
Now you may be saying that this is just a fad. That this is only affecting a small population of people. But this is not true. Everything vampire related nowadays is branding vampires as average people that live among us, that don't want to harm us but must in order to survive, boo-hoo look at me be all angsty at the difficult life I have to live. The popular show True Blood is the least worrisome of the bunch, but is still demoting vampires to "soap opera" territory. Of course, Twilight is the worst offender, rendering vampires as timid little pussycats that just want to play baseball and look faaabulooooous! with their naturally-occurring body glitter. And there are, of course, numerous other offenders, like that one movie trailer I saw that looked pretty much like a direct ripoff of Twilight, but I don't feel like turning this into a giant list of things that piss me off. Lets just say that this goes far beyond playful parody and has become the (very sad) norm.
Do you know why vampires were awesome and terrifying? They strike when you're at your most vulnerable: when you sleep. (This same exact theory was used for the Nightmare on Elm Street movies, and until they started making Freddy a silly comic villain, this was genuinely creepy.) They can't be killed, since they're already dead. All you can do is stab then in the heart, stopping them by destroying what keeps them going. They can transform into other creatures, making you fear nearly everything around you. Newer vampires even had the whole "cold, calculating villain" aspect to them, making that cross made of garlic you sleep with suddenly seem not quite as effective anymore. This goes far beyond the fear of "eek, a mummy is slowly shambling this way!" or "shit, this guy turns into an angry wolf once a month. We better lock him in a cell for that one night!" Vampires went beyond all of this by making you fear everything. And this movement has taken that away from us. Go ahead. Try to make a new vampire story. Lets see how far the reader or viewer gets before making smartass comments about when they're gonna start sparkling.
At least we still have Castlevania's Dracula, even if he IS slowly getting phased out in favor of other villains. But at least there's no angsty vampires there!
...Damnit!
I could not agree more. In fact I've spouted many a rant saying precisely this. One of the awesome, timeless legends of scary stories, destroyed by a book and a jar of glitter.
ReplyDeleteThough I do disagree on the point about zombies. They're SUPPOSED to be slow. With the exception of Zombieland, fast zombies have been filled with suck in every example I've seen.
Basically, I want to inflict as much social damage against people who like Twilight and the book itself as possible.
ReplyDeleteI know that zombie speed is a touchy subject. But from a purely technical standpoint, fast zombies are more of a threat, and thus, scarier.
ReplyDeleteExample:
You're in the middle of an abandoned highway. There are a group of zombies a few yards away. You are armed with a flamethrower.
Scenario 1: The zombies are slowly shambling towards you. You whip out your trusty deathstick and toast them all before they even get close to you. You live.
Scenario 2: The zombies are sprinting at you. You try to fight them off, but all you really succeed in doing is setting them on fire. You are dead. More specifically, you are being eaten by FLAMING CARNIVORES. Imagine a velociraptor. Now imagine that bitch on FIRE, and he doesn't care. That is what you just created a horde of.
There's other points too, like how fast zombies have the ability to crash right the fuck through weak doors, while the doorknob is the slow zombie's greatest natural predator. But what it all comes down to is atmosphere. If your story involves the walking dead, clamoring out of their graves and such in massive numbers, then yeah, slow is very creepy. But if its more of a modernized "virus zombie" thing, where the victims are really just sick people, then fast works better and allows for scarier suspense.
As far as strength goes, slow zombies tend to be as powerful as fast ones. In that they could both break down a door with equal skill, that is. And yes, I'll grant you that a swarm of super-fast running zombies is scarier than a horde of slow-moving ones that you can simply outwalk. But that's not the point.
ReplyDeleteThe point of zombie movies is suspense, the concept of surviving by speed or stealth, and that while the Plucky Band Of Survivors(TM) are capable of defending themselves against the hordes, it's their failure that leads to them being eaten. If you will, the zombies never win, but the people manage to lose all by themselves.
As for fast zombies? Now, they're an actual threat. They're strong and fast and feel no pain and only want to eat you. But you know what? They could just as easily be werewolves. Or vampires. Or alien pod people. Or virus carriers, like you said. Or mind controlled people. Or mutants. Or a million other things that are strong, fast, and hungry, as well as carrying the tragic "Used to be human" note. They even give the "Which one of us is infected?" plotline as well as zombies do. Fast zombies are interchangable with any of these.
But slow zombies? They alone stand out. They're not just a monster-survival creature feature boogeyman. They alone stand out for being lethally dangerous, capable of destroying the world, and yet not being especially threatening. Humans and society, unable to work together, are their own worst enemies, falling to the threat of the undead, who simply catch us when we slip up.
Fast zombies may as well be any old monster. Slow zombies are unique, and simply by being LESS dangerous, put a whole new spin on the old story. So, yes, while fast zombies are scarier... that's not the point. Slow zombies are terrifying, slow-advancing hordes that catch us when we screw up, revealing our weaknesses in ways fast zombies cannot. So for me, they'll alwas be superior.
Very good points. It really does just come down to preference, in the end. Each side has its own merits, and you'll always find people that favor one side over the other, or both for very different reasons.
ReplyDelete