Season's Creepings!

Ah, it is once again that magical time of the year where soccer moms trample old ladies for sales, houses are covered in strings of lights so dense it's a wonder the residents inside don't need a machete to hack their way to the mailbox, and every single store assaults us with the same terrible songs we've been listening to for our entire lives. It's enough to make you vomit an entire rage tree.

But it's the music that this post is most angry at. Sure, there are some classic tunes that aren't so bad, and actually get updated and turn into not-so-terrible covers. But some others bring nothing but misfortune to those who hear them, and some others that are just so incredibly creepy that its a wonder that we actually still listen to them. So sit your festive asses down in front of Grandpa Aer's fireplace and watch as he throws all your favorite toys and CDs onto the burning tree corpses within.


Deck the Halls
Let's start with a song that really isn't that bad. It's a classic song that does a pretty good job of getting everyone into the holiday spirit. So why is it on this list? Because every single other version of this I have heard is godawful. Why can NOBODY get this song right? Is it really that hard to take an already good product and not fuck it up with a terrible singer or a lot of extra bullshit? If I was one of those crazy street-corner guys with a TV antenna on my head, I'd swear it was some kind of government conspiracy to destroy our feelings of good tidings and drive us into a state of easily-manageable depressed sludge. (Bonus points for including Jews in there somewhere.)

Why is it disturbing?
It's not. What people do to it is, however.
You know that one cute little girl in any movie or show that is just full of happiness and innocence? You know how by the end of the story, that little girl has been raped, mutilated, and forced to watch her parents and/or boyfriend/fiancee murdered in front of her?
Yeah, this song is totally that little girl.

The worst offender?
There's this one version that is the only version I have ever heard played at any of the stores I have ever worked in. I've heard that Willie Nelson sings it, but I cannot find any confirmation on this. In fact, I can't seem to find it anywhere. It's bafflingly disturbing, actually. You'll just have to take my word for it that it sounds like some horrible robot is trying to sing it, with no real understanding of what singing is supposed to sound like. Every lyric is like a zombie shambling into my ear and gnawing on my brain. It has been remarked at my current job that it is, indeed, the worst song ever.

The 12 Days of Christmas
UUUUUURRRRRGH. WHY ARE WE STILL LISTENING TO THIS? It's like some terrible socially acceptable version of 100 Bottles of Beer. Nobody likes it, and everyone gets bored of it stupidly fast. Any time anyone tries to sing it, they start hating their lives before even getting out of the group of birds and into the group of people. What's worse, since it is so incredibly dull and annoying, everyone who has ever been able to work an instrument of any kind has been forced to play this at some point in their lives, which often drives them to make their OWN awful parody of it! So on top of this horrible song, we also have a whole mountain of horrible parodies to go with it! Goody!

Why is it disturbing?
Deep in the bowels of the song, in the nether-regions that only the bravest of carolers journey, lies the terrible truth that this "true love" is giving human beings as gifts. By the end of the season, this person has received 140 people in some kind of crude festive human trafficking ring. Oh, and 59 birds and 12 bushels of pears with which to feed them as they toil in the dark mine that will one day be their tomb. Probably a diamond mine so the slave driver has something to decorate her 40 gold rings with to sell on the black market.
Merry Christmas!

The worst offender?
A Redneck 12 Days of Christmas. Just... ugh.

Santa Baby
This is a pretty sweet and charming song. That is, until you realize that this bitch is basically putting out for Santa so she can raid his sack. And then take stuff form his bag of toys.
Now to be fair, the original version of the song is great. But this is only because it was sung by the always amazing Eartha Kitt, who both had a great voice and knew how to put in just the right amount of coyness to make it a fun, silly little song. The sad part is that nobody else has ever come close to Eartha's level of greatness when it comes to this song. At best, there are some versions that are so bad they're good, like Rupaul's version. But most covers just have no idea how to handle the song, and end up being either awful to listen to or just downright creepy.

Why is it disturbing?
She's seducing Santa. SANTA. The guy that's like 70 years old and at least 300 pounds. Oh, and an icon of childhood innocence. She may as well be jumping all over Big Bird for a free ride to Sesame Street.

The worst offender?
Madonna. Not only does she come off as a money-grubbing valley girl, but she sounds AWFUL too. And hey, she also gets bonus points for making Ms. Kitt herself remark on how bad her version was.

Baby it's Cold Outside
What? How did this get here? Clearly someone has been screwing around with my computer! This is such a sweet song that everyone under the tinsel-covered moon has sung their own version of it. It is the pinnacle of heartwarming Christmas love duets that makes anyone that hears it feel so very festive and cared for. Surely, this is the poster-child for charming songs the world round.

Why is it disturbing?
Oh yeah, all those date-rape implications.
This song is only Christmasy if you don't listen to any of the lyrics. However, if you DO listen to them, what you hear is a woman desperately trying to leave this man's house, while he demands that she stay. His response to her saying that she "really must go" and that "the answer is no!" is nothing more than "but its cold outside." The fact that she has not yet left also heavily implies that she is somehow being barricaded or restrained, fighting against her lustful male oppressor and desperate trying to escape his horny claws just long enough to call the police who are IN ON IT TOO AND ARE JUST OUTSIDE LINING UP FOR SLOPPY SECONDS AAAAA.
The worst part is how, at one point, she questions what is in her drink. Read that again a few more times. She questions what is in her drink. Its a wonder that this isn't the anthem for every frat house in the country.

The worst offender?
Hell, the original version, just for starting this horrible trend.
Or maybe me, for always calling it "The Daterape Anthem."

So a hearty season's greeting to my loyal readers, who will now always think of terrible things whenever walking into a store anytime after Halloween! unless you're in the southern hemisphere or one of those weird backwards countries, in which case shut up